The problem with both introversion and repression begins with the reoccuring cycle of not knowing how to process. Processes include: overcoming doubt, voicing an objecting opinion and not trying to “fit.” I couldn’t tell you how it began…this internal burden of formatting oneself in public spaces. However, I can say that it becomes tiresome and if anything makes me shut down emotionally.
I believe the expectation of living up to some moral, physical and emotional standard increases with age. On the heels of 22, I sorted through parts of myself I did like but didn’t like.
For example, I do like being able to reach out to people and share things that make me passionate. However, I am reluctant too… for the reasons of seeking validation and acceptance. As I sat in the midst of conversation at a table, and then again looking outside a car window, I feared. I feared because I only give pieces of myself sometimes refined. It’s the feeling where perhaps no one really knows me.
Most of the time, I wish had the ability to recollect the things I said and did. It’s like physically watching yourself – separate from yourself and wishing you could stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing….
Falling away from conversation
And initiating conversations
where you need to say you’re not okay but then stopping…
Because that’s buzzkill
And bringing it up will kill the mood
But you’re sitting there with your chin resting in your hands
And that’s the most you can do.
I must have been born afraid. Born with a sorry heart for believing in things that all sound so trivial.
What scares me the most…
Is finding out that what I want out of life truly is unrealistic.
Filling up less space than required
Are my strong suits.
I ate these things with a spoon, and refilled my plate with them constantly. It’s like eating something that’s terrible, but not wanting to be that person who tells the waiter “I’d like something else, please.”
It’s wanting to apologize about how you are because it’ll make you feel better that people aren’t turned off by you.
It’s wanting to cry, but this isn’t the right time.
It’s wanting to be closer to people, but then not initiating this level of intimacy because it might be too much.
It’s looking at people and having all of these words of how they’re comforting in a ‘sitting without talking kind of way’ but not wanting to be weird.
It’s realizing how self-doubt has gnawed at your wrists and ankles, and although none of this visible it’s still real.
It’s not wanting to say you’re “just okay” because people probably have bigger things to worry about.
It’s realizing that your faith slips out of your hands sometimes, because your self- doubt and other people’s doubts about it…make it seem pointless.
It’s realizing there’s quiet power, but you have to be less concerned about how other people might think about it – to even master using this quiet power.
It’s feeling hopeless for a week, a couple of days, one section of one day,
And then trying to start over again
Even if it’s just taking a shower and showing up.