Month: May 2016

A thumbtack on a map

We are exploring. We are here after the clouds departed to reveal sunrise. We are sunken head deep into REM, because pinkish blurs wisping across the sky mean nothing now. We are into lying on our sides – recalling the ambient sound of an oscillating fan. We are exploring internal hardship as it sighs into the afternoons and sighs again into the evenings.

Today, I stared at the grooves of my cellphone case – wondering if I should call you. I thought just maybe this time I would have something to say. Outside of the scrapbook wavy cutouts, I still saw us frozen in time. Although, I knew we had changed – I feared my changez wouldn’t be ready for you to see. Today, I curled up and counted my blessings in order not to feel sad. Today, I recited this list as if my worries would learn how to evaporate.

If I’m ready, I would like to know where ambition goes when sadness intensifies. If I’m ready, then maybe tomorrow is worth starting over at 3pm on a Monday. If I’m ready, let the first step be not falling into a place where I’m not good enough.

We are. We are. We are trying to be okay. Okay with where we are right now, and not dismayed we’re not where we had hoped to be. We are. We are. We are here.

Close

I’ve loved,
And each time I say it,
It feels like moths batting their wings at lamps,
At streetlights
That flicker until the dawn comes again.
I wonder if saying it,
Holds up the clouds,
And strengthens the trees
To still stand like telephone poles
Connecting each city I’ve ever lived in.
I’ve loved,
For the sake of being outside myself,
Taking walls down,
While still holding my arms tightly around my chest.
I wonder if it feels like this for a while.
Calculating –
Measuring – to feel secure.
I’ve loved,
Down to the tendons of my feet,
Where fear tickles up my leg
Through wire veins,
And cable cord ventricles as a centerpiece.