The way I walk through adulthood is AWKWARD

*disclaimer this concerns Community College not a traditional University

Going to college online is like…

Trying to arrange all your words correctly and coherently. Each comma, period, dash mark, and for crying out loud parentheses with a satirical reference is often mistaken for uptight or sarcastic. While, the road to earning your degree can quickly flash between  adventurous sentimental, and then panic-stricken I wouldn’t be able to quite put my finger on what else to do. If doing the right thing means hammering away at; second-guessing oneself and then being certain than this is college.

College, the real deal,  states that there are many options out there when all I wanted to do was pick one. Maybe if I am lucky I can group similar ones in Venn Diagrams in clusters of five, while still counting on my fingers how many hours I have left to finish the essay in.

I once visited one of my former high school teachers and she had my friend and I answer questions for the sophomores what college was really like. Immediately, my focus shifted to scared adult trying to dabble up the last bits of childhood like crumbs off my face, to strictly authoritative. Oh, we went on and on about the seriousness of paying attention in class and grammar. Then out of the blue, we let out exchanging looks openly that we’re not fooling anyone, we joked that our professors were laxer via email and the setting will not be a Beyond Scared Straight episode. Community college makes you plan and then try to make other plans concerning those plans. At night (for me anyway) it makes you feel as though, you’re not at a real college.

*When I was in 2nd grade I told my mother outright that I wanted to go to a”real school” to experience it rather than homeschooling. Off I was with the many other kids at a school where I stared at everyone because I had never seen this many kids at once, all different kinds in one room at the same time. 

However, there are other days were I feel lucky, blessed and honored that I’m even here, once paying it as I go in between working a steady job and then next out of my tax refund…but the point is perhaps this windy road to adulthood is at times stagnant, so is life. Each day is slightly different maybe a foot shuffle, a backward glance mouthing am I doing this right? or that to go anywhere you’ll have to be awkward first.


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